light seeps in as dreams fall forward into the now. love yourself so fiercely that even the moon cries tears of joy when it looks upon you - dancing beneath the light it casts into the night. where does the sun go when it no longer knows whose hands hold it in it’s place in the sky. we are knee deep in a spiritual crisis. he asks me if i’ve had long term relations. i’m sorry for the way this world is. i spoke of true reciprocity and then she tells me she has been ruminating on this notion and is curious as to what it means to me. i spare no-one around me the comfort of living an “ordinary” life. 7 minutes to midnight eve of the leo full moon coyotes howl a familial familiar cacophony of the wild calls of nature. i drop into the knowing of me by releasing the knowing of you. stop casting your net wide before you have truly learned to hold yourself within your own weave. you do realize right that the human experience is not about fighting? whatever you choose to do - do it fully. every year approximately 7 million people worldwide die from air pollution related illness & disease. some people are terrible spellers of this language of english. we are in the midst of a massive collective baptism so to speak. she says to get over it. not sorry to say we no longer live in a “get over it” world. sometimes it’s the very thing that we believe to be our lifeline that is actually the very thing destroying us. the spirit of humanity reaches deep into my being as i stand hands submerged in the soapy waters of rose and kitchen debris - eyes on the treed horizon as the sky turns soft shades of petaled pink. big cat energy stalking what once was stealthing for what is to be moving silently on the paws of digression flashing eyesscanning the horizon limitless potential for change and a world in constant rearrange. make no mistake. when you and i merge our bodies to become for a moment in time united as one - our essences will mix and all the opening that is happening for one will want to happen for both - all of the awareness that exists in one will want to be the awareness of two. this has been said a thousand time already by a thousand different souls who are neither more or less qualified than me to speak this truth. she said that someone told her friend that orange & red were not as spiritual as purple and pink. we have been force fed a narrative that money equals freedom. i’m tired. how is it i wonder at 4:17am have i so many times been relegated into the position of the other woman? shattered. there is an emptiness insidethat i keep trying to fill but it doesn’t want to be filled. there is no true neutral. we set ourselves up to stay stuck when we claim to know how we will feel in a future situation. it’s never about loyalty to someone else. whenever there is a hierarchy at play, whether spoken of or not - a space of inequality is created. why push away when we could pull in instead. i cannot fully understand if dealing with the feelings that arise from not being included is just something i never learned or if perhaps the need to exclude is a shadow side of humanity that i am being asked to witness from the perspective of the one being excluded so that i may bring this human trait to the surface of conscious awareness so it may be transformed by the acknowledgement of how much pain and suffering is created when one person or one group or a whole society chooses to close the doors on another person or a group or a whole society. diamond fire blaze through my heart light the dark corners and the nearly missed crevices that hold all the secrets of what it means to be me. as the rains fall from the sky and tears drip from my eyes i feel love slipping away - loosening it’s grip on my heart. she assured me with no doubt in her mind that not all who cross my path will know what it means to love without conditions - to love without restrictions. it’s a new moon in aries. where does the world go when we try to hide from our own realities. today if i were to take all the advice i like to doll out i would say to myself: “trust when they tell you deserve more” - because you do. until this day - i was under the impression that womanizing was an act of consciousness. social arsonist - you will burn yourself just as much as you burn all else. how does one feel such disgust for the same person they so recently trusted with their whole heart. when an option exists for forgiveness - i am not one to carry hurt in my heart. i choose to release the need to feel as though the way people treat me is a personal affront. i don’t need fix this i don’t need to react i just need to hear them. in matters of the heart the only thing worth avoiding is avoidance itself. starting on a fresh page, no lines in sight - most of us still adhere to the western rule of left to right. sometimes liberation strikes the heart like a sword of truth from the very belly of the earth. why did you put me on a throne just to later knock me off? fuck you for fucking with my heart. the other woman, no, he assures me i am nothing of the sorts - fully integrated part of the equation. i thought that if i dated someone who was friends with my family - someone who i had known for half my life - i would be immune to the “fuck ‘em & chuck ‘em” syndrome that is so prevalent in our relational culture these days. empty the sky of your tears dear child. allow yourself to touch the freedom you know lives in your heart - the freedom that gives you permission to love even amidst the pain - to keep your heart wide open even when the shadows scream for it to remain closed. violet voice of transcendence. you see me as spiritual. i asked myself to expand and his hands reached for mine and her hands became outstretched on the limbs of her sacred existence. as we walk our hearts back to the centre of the earth - we bring compassion to the birth place of humanity. the trees. you cannot take my light. moths to a flame. words without follow through are empty. i did not come here to be wrapped in criticism. have i ever let myself be fully loved? if i am to claim anything as my own, i will claim my sacredness. awareness equals healing. what does self love have to do with it? i will be an example of the world i want to live in. dear full moon in aquarius, on this eve, into this fire, into these waters, upon this earth,with the spirit of the land energetically enveloped around me - i release any and all barriers and/or restrictions that are hindering any personal fulfilment of deep and fulfilling community connections, partnerships of all kinds, & nourishing relationships based in reciprocity. i’ve given my love, the care of my heart to too many people who have not known what to do with it, who to be with it, how to care for it. i want you to know how beautiful i think you are. i see your soul shining through all the expressions that show up on your face. unrush yourself. for me, sovereignty is being ok with being alone. i have zero desire to “go into space” as i am already fully aware of the magnificence of this human experience here on earth. when stardust settles heart and mind find congruency. it is only when i forget my connection with nature that i feel alone, for how could feel alone when the trees reach for me and brush my skin gently with the tendrils of their arms, and when they shade me from the sun on the hottest of days, asking nothing more from me than the presence of my being. anytime i am making a choice to do somethingthat is out of alignment with my values, ultimately, in that moment, i am betraying myself. salt of my sweat mixes with salt of my tears mixes with salt of the ocean. stay soft and respect the thorn. if we really knew how much pain lives inside each one of us, if we could remember the struggles that humans encounter in life, if we could acknowledge our own and each others suffering in real ways and in ways that honour the experience of that expression of pain maybe then we could learn to love our neighbours - hug our kin that we don’t yet know as kin, see beyond what some deem sins and witness each other as complex creatures who have all been made a mess in our societal structures of racism and classism and sexism and ablism and capitalism - these infectious dis-eases of the mind constantly in effect to manipulate humankind.
*this poem is compilation of the beginning of all the poems i typed onto my computer this year!